My Recent Revelation...and my new path!

Wednesday of last week...I had been shopping and found a killer pair of thigh high boots at a great price! What do I want to do with them as soon as I take them home? HAVE SEX! ...a typical day in the life of me...lonely...horny...time to call up my side guy and have some fun!

SO i text him to come over and I ask him if he is into thigh high boots and lingerie... of course he says YES! I tell him to pick one because he can't have both...He picks the BOOTS...good call bc that was the goal all along! I put them on and tell him to come through the window to create a little twist on the night (and bc i have roommates and don't want to answer the door naked with just the boots on and risk giving the girls a little surprise)! He comes over and knocks on the window... i get up from bed and pull open the blinds and he climbs in. Every time he comes over the sex just keeps getting better and better...the boots put a naughty twist on the night and we were rough and aggressive and passionate... the best so far, it took my breath away! He leaves and for the next 24 hours we can't stop texting eachother about our great night...

The next day while at work I ask him if there is anything he has always wanted to do but never gotten to? He replies with this porn star request of coming through my window like the night before, while I am wearing the boots....have me give him the best blow job ever and then leave...i'll eliminate some of the more explicit details that were also included in the request as I feel my posts are explicit enough without them and I would hate to offend anyone.
Throughout the day he continues to ask when he can get his "request"... I am a little turned off by it but am turned on by the excitement of our communication and the night before so I tell him to come over while I am on my way home from work. He comes over and gets his "request" and is thrilled about it! Jumping in the air calling me a "G" afterwards and then after he leaves...texts me a "wow". ( CENSORED - Don't read if you'll get offended! - Lets just say his request was not an ordinary blow job... it was full out porn star...choking with his penis down my throat and mascara running down my face from my eyes watering so much.) Somehow bc of the adrenaline rush...I enjoyed it...

The next day, after the excitement wore down I did not hear from him and have not heard from him since - it's a week later. It is normal for us to not talk all the time but I guess subconciously I was trying to lure him with sex and hope he would still be excited and want to do it more often. The truth is this guy is a bad addiction I have tried to kick many times and failed...this is the Intro to my REVELATION.

A few days later I hear from this sweet guy I used to date but who just wasn't assertive enough for things to work out between us. He had been out of town for 6 weeks and wanted to hang out. I had a wedding Saturday night and drove an extra 20 minutes past the already distant reception location to see him afterwards. He was excited to see me and sweet as ever...but the conversation was dry and I realized that maybe there just was no chemistry. We went up to his room and cuddled on his bed. He tried to kiss me and I decided I was there to try to reconnect emotionally and socially not make out, so I declined his pass. This hurt his feelings but he was respectful about it. I then put my head down and he rubbed my back and held me. I could just feel the sweet intentions and love pouring out of him...I felt so uncomfortable...we didn't have much to talk about and all I wanted to do was connect through conversation. I don't know why but i decided to tell him I felt emotionally blocked and that I had been having casual sex with someone again and I wasn't sure if it was something I was ready to give up. I didn't want to kiss him and lead him on and then go back to this other person a few days later...bad idea! He was so hurt and frustrated...he got up and politely kicked me out of the house. I cried the whole way home...not bc he kicked me out but bc I came to the realization of just how blocked I became when I was engaging in casual sex with this other guy and performing like a porn star. My close friends came over and cheered me up and I realized that I DO want the love that sweet guy was showing me...but I just don't think I feel chemistry with him and so I need to cut off my casual encounters, buckle down and get myself in check!!! The next day the sweetie from the night before texted me and said to please not talk to him anymore...

that day I went to church to try to reset my path...

Church was about getting in touch with your deepest desires which was great for me to listen to given the recent incidents. What do I really want in my life? What am I covering up, avoiding, hiding behind???

That day also happened to be the last day to enroll in "Growth Groups"... so I enrolled in two groups that I felt would help set my new path as I realized I really need to turn inward and towards God to rid myself of this TOXIC behavior.

The first group is a book group on "A Man Worth Waiting For" by Jackie Kendall, it's a womens group and I think it will help me focus on waiting for the right guy in a supportive environment with other women who are in the same boat or have been. I attended this group for the first time last night and am so excited for it! The girls are great and open and willing to listen and share! I will keep you updated on the book, the group and my progress...

The second group is called SPARKS...it is for everyone and the focus is that each week we take a risk to either improve the world, or ourselves as a person. Then we get together, motivate, inspire and discuss...I have not attended this group yet but am looking foward to it!

I am so excited to get myself together and really focus on kicking these habits that have been so hard for me to break.